@Begin
@Participants:	JPN007
@Age:	20
@Sex:	M
@YearInSchool:	U2
@Major:	literature
@StudyHistory:	7
@OtherLanguage:	German=2;none=
@Qualification:	STEP=2(2001);none=;none=
@Abroad:	none=;none=
@Reading:	3
@Writing:	3
@Listening:	1
@Speaking:	1
@JapaneseEssay:	2
@EnglishEssay:	2
@Difficulty:	4
@Topic:	violence on TV
@TWE:	2;2;2
@Comments:	NoTitle(Del), NTV A^Cg Violence on TV AThe dangers of censoring violence on TV ɕύXĂB
@Coder:	2005-12-21 DataInputBy SAKAUE Tatsuya;
@Version:	2.0
*JPN007:	Violence on TV is important problem.
%NTV:	Violence on TV is an important problem.
%COM:	
*JPN007:	But it is not so dangerous.
%NTV:	However, it is not so dangerous.
%COM:	An alternative: "However, it is not as dangerous as its opponents believe."
*JPN007:	I think that it is more dangerous to try to eliminate all violence on TV than allowing violence on TV, because violence in fiction is useful to make decrease real violence.
%NTV:	I think that it would be more dangerous to try to eliminate all violence on TV than to allow violence on TV, because violence in fiction is useful to reduce real violence.
%COM:	This idea could use some support--how does violence in fiction reduce violence in real life? Some would say that violence in fiction increases violence in real life because people watching it then imitate it.
*JPN007:	Another reason is danger of check of expression in fiction.
%NTV:	Another reason not to ban violence on TV altogether is the danger of restricting expression in fiction.
%COM:	
*JPN007:	It is very important problem to protect our right to make all sorts of fiction stories.
%NTV:	Protecting our right to make all sorts of fiction stories is very important.
%COM:	This idea could also use more support--why is this important?
*JPN007:	So we should allow violence from TV.
%NTV:	Therefore, we should allow violence on TV.
%COM:	
%par:
*JPN007:	Violence on TV is not so dangerous.
%NTV:	Violence on TV is not as dangerous as some believe.
%COM:	
*JPN007:	But there are people who think violence on TV is dangerous.
%NTV:	Still, there are people who think it is dangerous.
%COM:	
*JPN007:	Most of them think that violence in other fiction stories is dangerous too.
%NTV:	Most of them think that violence in other fictional stories is dangerous, too.
%COM:	
*JPN007:	Always they say that children who watch violence on TV like violence.
%NTV:	They always say that children who watch violence on TV like violence.
%COM:	THROUGHOUT, I think that rather than "like violence," you mean "become violent."
*JPN007:	But it idea is no use.
%NTV:	However, this idea is not useful.
%COM:	Instead of "useful," I would suggest "misguided" or "unrealistic."
*JPN007:	If children who watch violence on TV like violence, children who watch only education TV program like studies?
%NTV:	If children who watch violence on TV like violence, do children who watch only educational TV programs like to study?
%COM:	
*JPN007:	I can't think so.
%NTV:	That seems implausible.
%COM:	
*JPN007:	I think that children who grew in that environment will be bored studies.
%NTV:	I think that children who grew up in such an environment would be bored with studying.
%COM:	
*JPN007:	Human mind can't be handled by education.
%NTV:	The human mind cannot be controlled by education.
%COM:	
*JPN007:	All people have bad part of mind and it is no use to try to kill it.
%NTV:	All people have bad parts in their minds and there is no use in trying to kill these parts.
%COM:	
*JPN007:	We should allow them to exist if they don't crime.
%NTV:	We should allow them to exist as long as they do not cause crime.
%COM:	
*JPN007:	And we should allow bad part of TV program for them.
%NTV:	Additionally, we should allow some bad parts in TV programs for them.
%COM:	
%par:
*JPN007:	More dangerous thing is to kill all violence on TV.
%NTV:	More dangerous would be to ban all violence on TV.
%COM:	
*JPN007:	Violence on TV is useful to make decrease real violence.
%NTV:	Violence on TV is useful to reduce real violence.
%COM:	You have said this already. I recommend cutting this and the next three lines.
*JPN007:	Human have bad part of mind.
%NTV:	Humans' minds have some bad parts.
%COM:	
*JPN007:	And we can't kill our bad part.
%NTV:	We cannot eliminate these.
%COM:	
*JPN007:	We can only try not to do real bad thing.
%NTV:	We can only try not to do bad things in real life.
%COM:	
*JPN007:	If we can so, we should allow unreal bad thing.
%NTV:	If we can control our conduct in reality, we should allow unreal bad things.
%COM:	
*JPN007:	If you have bad idea in your mind, you can get comfort from bad fiction stories.
%NTV:	If you have bad ideas in your mind, you can get comfort from bad fiction stories.
%COM:	
*JPN007:	If you can't so, your bad mind will became bigger and bigger.
%NTV:	If you cannot get this comfort, your mind's bad parts will become bigger and bigger.
%COM:	
*JPN007:	And some day, it will bomb.
%NTV:	Someday, they will explode.
%COM:	I recommend joining the above two sentences with ", and."
*JPN007:	Especially, when there are social pressures it can't allow to watch bad fictions.
%NTV:	The risk of such an explosion, meaning a real-life crime, is especially high when there are social pressures censoring violent fiction.
%COM:	
%par:
*JPN007:	Below is the most important problem.
%NTV:	Below is the most important issue.
%COM:	I recommend cutting this sentence and making the next one "The most important issue is our right to create fiction."
*JPN007:	We have a right to make fictions.
%NTV:	We have a right to create fiction.
%COM:	
*JPN007:	It is no use to check goodness of fictions.
%NTV:	Checking it to ensure that it is good would be useless.
%COM:	
*JPN007:	Fiction is naturally free, and it is very bad to kill right to make all sort of fictions.
%NTV:	Freedom is a natural part of fiction, and depriving people of their right to create all sorts of fiction would be wrong.
%COM:	
*JPN007:	Of cause all fictions in commercial base must checked from commercial system.
%NTV:	Of course, all fiction for commercial use must checked through the commercial system.
%COM:	
*JPN007:	The TV program which nobody watches is to eliminate.
%NTV:	For example, a TV program that nobody watches should be eliminated.
%COM:	
*JPN007:	It is natural thing.
%NTV:	This is natural.
%COM:	I recommend cutting this sentence--it adds nothing to your essay.
*JPN007:	But all checking by justice is no good.
%NTV:	However, all legal censorship is not good.
%COM:	"Not good" is vague. Perhaps you mean "dangerous"?
*JPN007:	They will spoil all fictions.
%NTV:	It will spoil all fiction.
%COM:	
%par:
*JPN007:	From above notes, I showed that to try to kill all violence on TV is no use and dangerous.
%NTV:	I have shown that trying to kill all violence on TV is both useless and dangerous.
%COM:	
*JPN007:	Danger of violence on fiction stories is very little.
%NTV:	To recap, the danger caused by violence in fictional stories is very little.
%COM:	
*JPN007:	Danger of no violence on all fiction stories is bigger.
%NTV:	Meanwhile, the danger of banning violence in all fictional stories is bigger.
%COM:	
*JPN007:	We all have bad part of mind, but we can treat them.
%NTV:	We all have bad parts in our minds, but we can treat them.
%COM:	
*JPN007:	And right of make all sort of fictions is very important.
%NTV:	The right to make all sorts of fiction is very important.
%COM:	
*JPN007:	If we don't have this right, there can't be all sorts of arts.
%NTV:	Without this right, many arts would not exist.
%COM:	This point is new, but the ones that follow are just repeating what you have already said. To improve, you'll have to develop your argument by supporting your ideas with evidence rather than just repeating them.
*JPN007:	We can't live in good world.
%NTV:	We cannot live in a wholly good world.
%COM:	
*JPN007:	Good world is only in fiction.
%NTV:	A "good world" exists only in fiction.
%COM:	
*JPN007:	World have bad part, and we have bad part of mind.
%NTV:	The real world has bad parts, just as our minds do.
%COM:	
*JPN007:	We can't eliminate them, but can handle them.
%NTV:	We cannot eliminate them, but we can control them with the right tools.
%COM:	
*JPN007:	Violence on TV is bad, but it is needed to handle our bad part of mind.
%NTV:	Violence on TV may be bad, but we need it to help us control the bad parts of our minds.
%COM:	
*JPN007:	So we must allow all violence on TV.
%NTV:	Therefore, we must not censor violence on TV.
%COM:	
@End
